ISSA Insecurity

“Emotional insecurity or simply insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one’s self-image or ego.”

insecure:

  1. Not sufficiently protected; easily broken into.
  2. liable to change for the worse; not permanent or settled.
  3. a young woman, black,  for all intents and purposes, Taylor

The best damn show on television was created at the hands of a black woman. Not Scandal. Not How to Get Away with Murder. But I N S E fucking C U R E. Hands down, Issa Rae has defied limits and told life through the lens of awkward black girls everywhere. Eight episodes. Eight. Only eight to blast my life on television. It was riveting. It was amazing to see that other women went through some of the things I have been through. I’ve fucked up, been fucked over, fucked and been forced to pick up the pieces. It was a “revelation revolution”. It was my diary.

Dear Diary,

Ep.1 "Insecure AF": Everything in my world right now is 'flop'. Work. School. Relationships. What new, exciting yet strangely familiar things could he bring to the table? 

Ep.2 "Messy AF": Self-realization that I'm unhappy because I got all my eggs in one basket and I probably care about the basket more than I care about myself. 

Ep.3 "Racist AF": I'm ruining everything because I'm over analyzing and it's causing unnecessary tension in every situation. I'm frustrated but I'm holding on to what was and what could be. 

Ep.4 "Thirsty AF": I keep replaying the "What if" jingle I created in my bathroom in my head. Life is good with you but with him... what if it was better? I can be parts of myself with him that I feel uncomfortable being with you. 

Ep.5 "Shady AF": I gave in. He was available and you weren't. I don't know whether it was emotionally driven or did it out frustration. It's been a minute since we got it right. I needed "right" right then. 

Ep. 6 "Guilty AF": 'There is beauty in my own backyard' and I'm just out trying to pull the guilty weeds. Cultivate, don't kill. 

Ep. 7 "Real AF": Suspicion is a bitch ain't it. Snitching ass bitch. But what's done in the dark... 

Ep. 8 "Broken AF": The strongest bond has been broken and putting that shit together is hell in a hand basket. But remember I care about that basket more than I care about myself. 

But with that revelation, there is a less acceptable revelation around the corner. Let’s be serious.Insecure was the perfect showcase of the analytical mind of a young black woman and from the reviews that was a very common mind. There was finally an outline to “being okay with insecurities” and acknowledging decision-making can be influenced by those insecurities. We, as black women, finally have a martyr in the community. A woman who knew how to classify her fuck-ups and her wins based on her own insecurities. The first episode set the tone for the season. It set up the pic for all plays made in the remaining 7 episodes and the pilot title? “Insecure AF”. Everything else unravels.

Think about it… As black women, we are all insecure about something. Every single one of us. In the workplace, amongst our friend group, with men, with family. Every single one of us. A woman can build insecurities in every avenue and social media isn’t always the best avenue to turn to alleviate these insecurities. We need a safe space. In our bathrooms, we are our most vulnerable. Even in Season 1 of Insecure, Issa Rae spends most of her time contemplating decisions and analyzing plays in her bathroom. In our bathrooms, we are naked; literally and figuratively. That bathroom is where we are most transparent. This is a place of introspection. This is where we harp on personal insecurities, take care of ourselves, set goals, scrutinize our body parts and take “booty on the sink” pictures. The bathroom is the sacred space of the household.

An interesting statement to make huh? *sips tea* Well, let me talk about myself for a bit. This part of the blog is introducing a new episode: Ep. 0: “Awkward AF”.

I was told that I was perceived as a very confident woman. If I was going to be going forth with this new life plan of being honest with myself, it was only right that I disputed that statement. (Even though I appreciated the gas for the time being.) At that moment, I had to let my male friend in on a secret. I wasn’t anywhere near the confidence levels he thought I possessed. Not only and I insecure AF, I’m Awkward AF. Very awkward, and the confidence I exude, the way I carry myself, is a learned behavior. I was blessed to have great women in my life to emulate.

  • I listen to my fair share of Al Green, Britney Spears, and Tupac.
  • I twerk when no one is there to watch.
  • I spend hours on facial/hair/nail routines because I’m obsessed with how people view me.
  • I have body image issues which cause me to commit to healthy habits for two days before I embrace my “natural beauty” and then start the cycle over again.
  • I pride myself on learning how to do new things from YouTube.
  • I lay on the floor naked with cheap wine and pistachios.
  • I can’t make eye contact with someone I am strongly attracted to and I fidget when I’m nervous.
  • I also lie when I get nervous.
  • I scroll through my Facebook/Instagram/Twitter more than I breathe during the day. It’s a defensive mechanism I use to avoid topics of conversation or thoughts that put me in a bad place. Sometimes, it’s just because I’m bored.
  • I make random noises at the most random times of the day. It calms me down.
  • I watch black marriage proposal playlists on YouTube.
  • I over-analyze every single living thing a person does or says to me. This causes me to jump to conclusions and be impulsive/emotionally driven in the decisions that I make.
  • I shop at weird times of the night. Not actually shop, but put things in my cart that I know I’m not going to buy, but get pleasure out of doing so.

All of this just sounds normal right? Well with the exception of a few, it is. Awkward is normal. Embrace it. Embrace the little crazy things about yourself. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out. You’re not supposed to be poised and perfect all the time. The person who tells you that you should be doesn’t deserve you and all your awkward glory.

So as you fawn over yourself in the mirror, thinking about how to make yourself appealing to the other “normal” people… please remember to practice ‘tooching’ your ass up on the sink so they know vividly which part to kiss.

Just keep sipping,

-T

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