This is because I’m tired of always placing the blame on myself.
You. You are the reason I can’t heal. You are the reason my life always seems to be on a downward spiral. As soon as I become happy you take that away from me. That twinkle in my eye? As soon as someone sees it for the first time they spend their forever trying to find it again. I have been clawing my way up. Digging myself out of a hole you put me in, only to realize once I get to the top, there is no way to get out. I have to break through and by the time I make it there I don’t have the energy to remove you.
You. You are the reason I can’t feel. You are the reason why I haven’t been able to let people in and experience me for me. As soon as they get close I self-destruct. As soon as he tells me he loves me I choose not to believe him. I never believe the ones that truly mean it. I don’t listen to those three words. People have to prove it. Those words aren’t little. Those words are the positive affirmations I needed when I was before you. I needed to hear that often. I didn’t. Not from you. Not from them. Not as often as I should have. It’s why I’m constantly searching for that love.
You. You are the reason I am not confident. You are the reason why it’s hard for me to take a compliment. Every time someone tells me something nice I feel like there are ulterior motives. “You are pretty.” “Damn she is fine.” “She tries to hard.” “You should try to cover that up.” My body is mine. I’m tired of fighting everyone else behind my body. Every one thing you say you think is positive? It’s not. I rip it apart in my head. I read between the lines. Call the next statement a stretch or thinking too highly of myself, but whatever. I blame myself for “being fine”. Ain’t that a bitch. I BLAME myself for being fine. I never send praises. Why? Because you don’t. None of you do. I’m not someone’s eye candy. I’m not a piece you think likes to be shared.
You. You are the reason I shut down. I never got to talk about you. They made me hide you. So every time I feel you rise back up in my throat I swallow hard. I suppress you. I hide you back behind the curtain. Behind that one door. I have allowed everyone else to speak of me. Alternative Facts. I let them believe what they wanted to believe. Because that’s what happens right? That’s what happens when I can’t defend myself. I let someone else do what they want to me. Every negative thing I heard that was never disputed? I let it shut me down. I stopped screaming for people to just get to know ME and not judge me before they approached me. I’m a “different person” to you if you remove the blinders and just try. Otherwise, I’m tucked in the corner, crying, unmoved… like that one time my friends had to rescue me.
You. You are the door that led me down destructive paths. You are the reason why it’s so easy to say yes. I couldn’t say no to you because when I did you didn’t listen. You are the reason I think it’s okay to let others just do and say what they want. You are the reason why I even took interest in Misty and Jack. You are the reason I drown myself in a bottle every now and again. You are the reason sometimes I choose to lie on my back… or my side… or my stomach. You are the reason I yield. I yield because no one ever listens to STOP.
You. You are the reason I am so hard on myself. Try harder. Try harder. Maybe if I try harder bad things won’t happen to me. It’s all my fault, right? I have to take responsibility. I have to pick up and move on. It’s difficult to do that if no one taught me to only take my responsibility, not yours. I’ve been carrying all of your shit on top of mine for my life’s journey. I’m tired. I can’t move forward with your shit. I gotta drop it off somewhere. I can’t be great with you tied to my ankles. I can’t continue to drown. Not with you linked to me. If I drown… let me drown in confidence, let me drown in happiness, let me drown by myself. Not with you or because of you.
You. You are the reason I hate. When I smell your scent on the next “one” I choke. My stomach gets twisted. My soul dies again. I remain empty. I hate people. I scream that from the mountain tops. I say this because people are cruel. I wasn’t brought up to be cruel intentionally. But every cruelty towards me seems to be quite intentional. Hurt people hurt people? I find that strange because even when I was hurting the most I sought out to hurt others the least. The fact that people refuse to execute reciprocity pisses me off. The world would be better if we only chose to reciprocate the positives.
You. You are the reason I’m nervous. I’m always looking over my shoulder. I’m always assuming someone is trying to hurt me. Trying to pull aways another piece of me. My business is my business. My secrets aren’t yours to tell. My body isn’t yours to take. So every time you lied about me to someone else, every time you allowed someone to lie about me… about my “conquests” I died a little. My feet died first. I was no longer able to walk up to you to stop it myself. I couldn’t take the steps to move on to properly handle you. My legs came next. They became numb. I assume it was because I spread them so much. Even on times that I didn’t even know I did. Those were the best times. The times I know I didn’t but because other people said I did, it had to be true. My legs weren’t mine anymore they were the topics of other’s conversations. My stomach? It died with your scent. I described that feeling already. My chest? My heart died a long time ago. It flatlined and I’m still running somehow. Trying to escape that fate. Next when my shoulders. I don’t have that ability to carry. My burdens. Your burdens. I can’t carry them forward. All that’s left of me is my head. My head holds my crown. My head contains my mind. As long as I have those things, my body? I don’t need.
You. You are the reason I am bitter. That sweet innocence I had when I was 14. You took that from me. You shut me down. They shut me up. I had to continue to protect me. I’m always out here swinging. I’m constantly swinging. I can’t get tired. Buckle down. Keep your eyes open. Swing when you need to. Swing when you don’t. Hit whatever comes in sight no matter the detriment.
You. You are the reason why I build walls. I. Can’t. Let. Him. In. What you did is the reason I need a ten-ton weight to even break the surface of my exterior. You are the arch in my eyebrows. You are the mess that caused my bitch face to remain. It’s resting.
It’s resting much like you are. Moving along with life. Moving as if what you did or what you said never did any damage. Unfortunately, I wish I could say that all ten reasons are isolated to one “YOU”, but it’s not. Some statements apply to multiple people. However, I do know that the crippling hurt that I have experienced started with 3 people. 2 of them I love dearly. 1? The one I’m still trying to get rid of.
This is my letter to that one. This is my scream of release because I’m moving forward to a better me. I need those things I mentioned. I’m letting this “ONE” thing go. This is my letter to all. You got ten reasons. Ten main points. Ten sips of tea. Ten sips of me.
Just keep sipping,