The Expectation of When.

For the longest of time, I sit and I often think about the word “when”.When are you going to find the time for yourself? When are you going to tell the world to let you focus on you?

When?

*sips tea* This blog… This blog was supposed to be for me to start this self-love journey. In January I started and it lasted for a little while. It lasted about as long as my Christmas break did. See I’ve always been a driven young woman. A lot of the time that dictated when I got time and who I had the time to spend it with. I learned early on that if I spent time with people who were as driven as I was, I wouldn’t hurt any feelings. But come on… Let’s be clear… Same outlook or not, someone’s feelings will always be hurt.

So I say…I just need time to talk to myself. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to drive until I have exhausted all the gas in my car that my bank account and credit cards can manage. In reality, I just need time to spazz out over my keyboard on a pillow with a glass of watermelon sangria. I just want some Tea Time. Free Smoke, Free Smoke. Word to Drizzy.

I’ve been running from that time to myself for so long that I’m often lost in it. I have the slightest clue what to do when I am finally alone. I have neglected myself for so long I don’t know what should be done to free myself.
The good free though. Not that I’m bound to the security of other people and other things and other feelings kind of freedom. Been there, done that. *clinks teacup* I sank into the floor. At one point in time I resulted to negative behaviors that of course I don’t have to hash out with you. Let’s be clear I ain’t hiding tea from sippers;It just ain’t your cup.

My time is spent surrounding myself with people who are in need. That is my identity. It has been for a while. I have found it to be my purpose. I wake up to aid in the growth of others. I wake up to make someone’s day a little easier whether it be my students or my coworkers or the people I associate with in my city. I wake up for other people. I don’t wake up for myself. I don’t wake up wanting to do something for me. I don’t wake up with selfish motives. But if you really think about it maybe it is selfish in a very odd way. Who knows. I move as if I am having an outer body experience. I move as if my body is not mine. I say yes to things I don’t want to do and say no to things I wish I could.

I was riding around with a mentee of mine who was spilling her life’s detriments to me the other day. She reminds me of me. She is the listener in her family. The caring one who kicks ass on an empathy scale. She was telling me how she was worried about her siblings and her mother and how they would push through their new life issues. As intrigued as I was with her story and her want to be there for every person in her life presented with a problem, I had to ask her “Who asks you about you? Who looks out for you? Who asks if you are okay?”Crazy part about it is that I could see she was lacking that from someone but I was blinded to the fact that I needed that too. Even more tea? I was on the phone with the one person I needed to hear that from and I don’t even think it clicked.

My trouble as of late has been finding the time for myself and finding the time to love. Love has been something that I have been desperately trying to stumble upon since I was a little girl. That longing for insight has placed me in some high and several mighty low places. Fake love. Sorta Kinda Love. Temporary Love. Puppy Love. Borrowed Love on Borrowed Time. Forced Love. Empty Love. Funny how love can be presented in so many different ways that it blinds you from the real thing. Also funny how we create an image of how love should be if we didn’t really see it in a positive light.

What is love really though? Is it the length of time you have been with someone? Is it the security someone else brings you? Is it the butterfly feeling that fades and comes back and fades and comes back and fades all over again? What is it? Is it the love that fights you? Is it the love that builds you up to tear you down? Is it the love that the old folks warned you about? The kind of love you have to fight for to appreciate? What is it? Earthly love. Present Love.

What is it?

At one point in time I felt like I was loved. No words had to be said. I didn’t have to be around 24/7 to know it was real. Nothing extra had to be done. I just knew. He was the one who actually cared. He was concerned with how I felt on the daily. He was considerate of my sacrifices. He was understanding of my time. That person understood but then he disappointed me. He was the first person that I felt thought enough about me, saw what I did for other people, and put that same energy into me. He strengthened my spirit, then he damaged it. All because of an expectation. An expectation that I hadn’t set for once. He set it. He set it, surpassed it, and retracted. I was in shock. Still am. Still recovering.

Love so far is a learning experience. It can’t be love if you don’t grow from it. It can’t be healthy if it’s always good. It can’t be positive without some negative. I guess that’s the realist in me. The emotionalist. Can those coexist? QTNA. Love if pretty much what you make it. So I ask myself when. When am I going to be woman enough to express what I want from here on out? When am I going to have my chance to scream from the freedom peak? When am I going to surrender to self and let go? When?

Tell me how you do it.

Just keep sipping,

T

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